Navigate Caregiver Shame with Prevention Strategies

Navigate Caregiver Shame with Prevention Strategies

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Dennis Gill: Okay, so welcome to CareSmartz360 On Air Podcast, it’s a home care Podcast. I’m Dennis Gill, senior sales consultant at Caresmartz.

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Dennis Gill: So today our topic would be navigating the caregivers. Shame and what the strategies would be for awareness and prevention for that.

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Dennis Gill: So. It’s a pretty hard reality that a caregiver is. This. Shame takes a toll on care providers far too often, and it’s a silent struggle that can lead to isolation, and burnout.

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Dennis Gill: and ultimately a decline in care, quality.

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Dennis Gill: Imagine feeling guilty for needing a break and ashamed for feeling frustrated or inadequate because you can’t do it all. So this is the reality for many caregivers.

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Dennis Gill: So the key lies in awareness and prevention. We need to normalize the challenges of caregiving.

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Dennis Gill: It’s a pretty demanding role. And it’s okay to not have all the answers.

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Dennis Gill: So by openly discussing caregiver shame, we empower individuals to seek help without feeling charged.

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Dennis Gill: Educational programs can equip caregivers with coping mechanisms for stress and help them navigate difficult emotions.

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Dennis Gill: support groups, foster a sense of community where caregivers can share experiences and find strength in shared challenges.

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Dennis Gill: Remember prioritizing your own wellbeing isn’t selfish. It’s essential.

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Dennis Gill: A healthy caregiver can provide better care. Let’s break the cycle of shame and create a support system that impairs caregivers to thrive, not to survive in their important role.

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Dennis Gill: So today we have on the panel Susanne White, the founder of Caregiver Warrior, a resource Hub website, blog and interactive platform for caregivers to find supportive ways to take care of themselves. So welcome to the podcast Susanne.

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Susanne W: Thank you so much, Dennis, for having me.

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Dennis Gill: No, we are really glad. We’re really glad to have you here, and on this very important topic, say, we would love to have the feedback from your side, how it would be beneficial for the caregivers, so really looking forward to that.

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Susanne W: Hmm, thank you.

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Dennis Gill: So then, we would be having some queries regarding that. So I’ll be just putting in the questions for you. The first and the foremost thing that I would like to start up with is that what are the most common situations that Trigger Geiger? Shame.

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Susanne W: This is a very good question, and a very complicated subject, and the quick answer is just about anything of caregiver can do

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Susanne W: can trigger shame!

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Susanne W: And I’ll tell you.

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Susanne W: When caregivers sign up for caregiving. I was a caregiver for various family members, including my parents. You know I was deeply committed as most caregivers are. And I it’s a very serious responsibility and commitment to your

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Susanne W: caring for someone else’s life. And well-being so, it comes with a lot of responsibility. And most times a lot of our personalities are type. Personalities very

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Susanne W: go-getting controlling good, sharp skill sets. But there’s a lot of perfectionism

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Susanne W: that we can bring to caregiving because we want to do everything perfectly.

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Susanne W: and we have big expectations of ourselves and the situations.

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Susanne W: And this is the breeding ground for shame.

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Susanne W: We put ourselves in a position where we’re not human, and we can’t make mistakes.

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Susanne W: May I make so many mistakes during my caregiving journey so many, and I felt bad about so many.

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Susanne W: until I began to realize that the mistakes were learning opportunities for me.

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Susanne W: I would get more information. I would be wiser. I wouldn’t do that again.

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Susanne W: But sadly in the beginning I felt bad about myself

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Susanne W: because I was making mistakes, and I want to get clear about guilt and shame. Then the reason I’m sort of going into this little bit of a definition here, is because I think to answer any question about shame. We have to understand that guilt is about feeling sadness or remorse, about a thing.

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Susanne W: about something that you know we did, or something that we didn’t do, whereas shame is feeling bad about ourselves.

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Dennis Gill: I’ll set up. Yeah.

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Susanne W: And right.

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Dennis Gill: I really.

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Susanne W: Get to.

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Dennis Gill: Yeah.

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Susanne W: Yeah, it’s a difference, you know. So

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Susanne W: Shane makes us feel like we’re flawed in some ways that we’re unlovable or we’re bad people or bad caregivers. We feel bad

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Susanne W: about things that are maybe out of our control, things that don’t go the way we want. It’s not only our fault, it’s because we’re not. There’s something wrong with us, and we’re not good people. So.

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Dennis Gill: And that, yeah.

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Susanne W: So there’s so many opportunities that can trigger shame and caregivers. And that’s why I love having this conversation, because

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Susanne W: I think the awareness, awareness of the fact of how we’re what expectations we’re bringing to the caregiving journey.

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Susanne W: I think that begins the healing process, and how we can avoid or at least manage our shame, because every single thing we do has the potential

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Susanne W: to trigger shaming us.

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Dennis Gill: Very rightly said, very rightly, satisfied I can. Obviously I would. Also, I would say, to think about some things that sometimes I also feel guilt about everybody. Does. Everybody does, someday, or some way, or in some way, we do that. But I would definitely take care of that now, after listening to this. Yeah, I surely will. Thank you. Thank you for that.

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Susanne W: It’s, you know, it’s it’s a diff. It’s difficult, because

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Susanne W: I think a lot of us do bring perfectionism. I think we live our lives that way, and then when we.

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Dennis Gill: To, the.

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Susanne W: Caregiving journey. You know I’m a perfectionist. I’m recovering. Renee Brown calls herself a recovering perfectionist, and I’m the same way. I’m a recovering perfectionist, cause I still, I’m still a perfectionist.

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Susanne W: But I and I have so much pressure on myself, and when I first started my caregiving journey with my parents. I was gonna do it, you know, all by myself. I was gonna do it perfectly, and I was gonna do it right away. That’s how I set myself up with the best intentions.

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Susanne W: you know. But I set myself up to feeling a lot of shame. You know. I can’t do this. I’m not good at this. I’m gonna hurt my parents because something’s gonna happen to them on my watch. And I’m a really bad person.

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Susanne W: was awful.

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Dennis Gill: I get that. I bet that’s a very good term that I learned today. Recovering.

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Dennis Gill: You said, right.

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Dennis Gill: yes. Are we?

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Susanne W: Ring perfection it’s and it’s and it’s a process. It never goes away.

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Dennis Gill: No, obviously, I think it goes with us till the time we’re alive. It goes with us. Yeah.

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Dennis Gill: no, it’s now. It’s good to learn every day. We’re learning some things and learning from a person like you. Obviously it would help everybody.

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Susanne W: Well, you know, it’s interesting, because the reason I’m so fascinated with this topic is because 2 2 different things

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Susanne W: happen. I

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Susanne W: just to give a little background, and I don’t talk about this often, but I had brain surgery a year ago, and I’m fine. It was benign, and it was great, but it’s been a really the healing process, even though you’re I was up and ready to go in 6 to 8 weeks. It’s astonishing what they can do now to today. I feel shame that I’m not back to my normal self yet.

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Dennis Gill: Oh!

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Susanne W: Okay. So and I’m so. And I’m always watching myself and watching my, you know, I feel like I’m the guinea pig, you know. I watch myself to see how I compound my emotions, you know, within my caregiving role, and then within people caring for me. So I realize, oh, I feel I feel bad about myself because I’m not

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Susanne W: healing quickly, or or that I had. But you know I don’t want to tell people that I don’t feel great, and that’s crazy. That’s a shame! That’s not guilt, that’s shame. So that’s sort of the start. I started looking at shame. And then I saw 2 people and actually 2 caregivers that I are wonderful.

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Susanne W: both of which had situations. When caring for their loved ones with health healthcare institutions. Someone took someone to a hospital, and it wasn’t a good situation. So they took them to another hospital, which ended up being worse, and what I saw, which broke my heart, was that I saw life with Graham’s. Would I saw her feel so bad about

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Susanne W: felt so bad about it.

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Susanne W: and herself

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Susanne W: taking care of her, doing everything she could possibly do, and no one. No one is a better caregiver than she is just feeling dismay and sadness and remorse about the decisions she was making when she was making the best decision she possibly could.

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Susanne W: And it broke my heart because I kept saying to you are doing an incredible job. No one is. Gonna take care of her better than you are. And then another friend of mine also had her mom and assisted living, and it wasn’t going really well.

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Susanne W: And there were problems with a healthcare issue. And they just didn’t weren’t getting to it fast enough. And again I saw a shame that she felt so bad about herself and so guilty that she couldn’t get the immediate care that she was demanding, which had nothing to do with her.

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Susanne W: nothing to do with her loved one. It had to do with the healthcare system, and she’s

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Susanne W: You know what I’m saying. And she was doing everything she possibly could, and of course, she finally got the care she needed for her mom.

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Susanne W: But in the interim, I could see she was so upset with herself.

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Susanne W: So this is, I’m fascinated with this because I think the dangerous thing caregivers do is they compound their emotions like I get. I used to get angry when I was angry. I used to get frightened when I was frightened.

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Dennis Gill: I didn’t.

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Susanne W: Used to get resentful, and mine was resentful.

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Susanne W: and I used to be ashamed of the fact that I felt shame.

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Susanne W: so I think we really have to begin to understand what we’re thinking about ourselves

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Susanne W: as we’re taking care of others.

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Dennis Gill: Yeah, pretty rightly said pretty rightly, said Susan. So basically not hiding our feelings, but still not showing it to everybody.

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Dennis Gill: Okay, okay.

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Susanne W: And I think, and and being aware, being aware and compassion, you know, being

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Susanne W: being aware, you know, I know we’re going to talk. And then a little bit about. You know what what companies can do and agencies can do

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Susanne W: to support caregivers, you know, to support, you know, employees, professional caregivers or caregivers in general.

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Susanne W: And you know, in the end they can create an environment. They can can create an environment where accountability is extremely important, because when mistakes happen or miscommunication happens, or

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Susanne W: perhaps there needs to be changes in activity or changes in practices.

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Susanne W: That accountability is really really important. However,

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Susanne W: we also have to have an environment where someone feel that where we frame

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Susanne W: the mistakes or the accountability about the mistakes as learning.

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Susanne W: as learning situations.

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Dennis Gill: Yeah.

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Susanne W: Not that they are incompetent.

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Susanne W: or

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Susanne W: do any unskilled or a bad people, I think

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Susanne W: agencies, and I think companies and just people in general with caregivers have to understand that

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Susanne W: When a caregiver makes a mistake we have to be compassionate, and we have to communicate with them and make them feel safe to discuss how they feel about that mistake, or making that mistake.

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Dennis Gill: Yeah. And that does answer my second question, also that how the home care agencies can create a culture that encourages open communication about whatever struggles the caregivers are facing.

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Susanne W: Yes. And again, I wanna repeat, that accountability is really important. However, in addition to that accountability, I think what happens a lot of times is once the accountability is there.

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Susanne W: We don’t go to the next step to give support.

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Susanne W: Because most people want to do the right thing.

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Susanne W: Caregivers a special. Was it a professional?

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Dennis Gill: Yeah, right.

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Susanne W: Whether they’re professional or family, or unpaid.

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Susanne W: they want to do the right thing, especially in this situation, which is so extremely important.

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Susanne W: So if a mistake is made. Yes, we need to take accountability and walk through it and see what happened and why it happened. But then we also need to ask the question, how do you feel about that? Are you okay?

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Dennis Gill: Yeah, that needs to be asked. That definitely needs to be asked.

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Dennis Gill: So just adding to this thing. So what do you think? How can technology be leveraged to create a more supportive environment for caregivers and potentially reduce feelings of shame.

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Susanne W: So today’s world’s amazing.

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Susanne W: And I have used all kinds of technology to help me in general, which I think has eliminated shame. And I think everything from picking up the phone, which is technology and calling another caregiver right and saying, Hello, you know, there are all, and you have to be careful about this. But there are all kinds of wonderful Facebook groups where people share their feelings and their tips.

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Susanne W: and they communicate with each other. I think that’s quite amazing. I think there are apps

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Susanne W: that caregivers, agencies and institutions can use that

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Susanne W: Perhaps can organize things and take stress and share responsibilities and do check-ins. There’s all kinds of amazing things today that caregivers can use and and and people can employ

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Susanne W: to help them with their caregiving journey. I think anything that can help a caregiver

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Susanne W: organize themselves, manage themselves, and give them space and time. That they need to be supported is brilliant, so that can be anything from an app

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Susanne W: to a to a zoom call to an you know to, I mean, like, you know, especially during Covid, you know I know not a lot of people that were in group group therapy, you know, for caregivers or support groups for caregivers over zoom, which was life saving.

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Dennis Gill: Yeah.

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Susanne W: Life saving because we’re supposed to connect. You know, we can, right? We can be compassionate and empathetic and get support when we have human connection. And I think the technology today is amazing, because there’s no reason why you can’t reach out to someone

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Susanne W: and get the support. You know.

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Dennis Gill: I definitely see it. And I was about to ask my next question. But that obviously answers that there’s some effective strategies to prevent it. I am ashamed. Anything more you would like to add in that.

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Susanne W: Well, yeah, I I think it’s I think it’s really important to surround yourself as a caregiver. I think it’s very important for caregivers

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Susanne W: So understand. They deserve

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Susanne W: to get what they need. They deserve space, they deserve their space to be and to share and to talk. I I think

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Susanne W: any time we support caregivers and give them an environment and space where they don’t feel alone. They don’t feel where they feel safe.

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Susanne W: They could feel safe to share how they feel.

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Susanne W: I think that’s extremely important.

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Susanne W: And I think that it. I think caregivers really need to feel that they have a team around them, or a group around them that loves them, that is compassionate and sympathetic.

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Susanne W: and allows them to be who they are, and reminds them that they are human.

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Dennis Gill: Yeah, that does. And they’re doing so much for the people who are there who require the help.

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Susanne W: Yes.

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Dennis Gill: Obviously it does, it does.

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Dennis Gill: And any specific courses or programs that you think can be implemented to equip is mainly with coping mechanisms 4 k. Of shame. Anything you want to suggest in that.

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Susanne W: Well, I think the first thing we mean is anything from practicing mindfulness or meditation.

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Susanne W: To even yoga. I mean, I mean anything that helps you

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Susanne W: feel better

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Susanne W: in your own skin during your caregiver role. So, in other words, you know, eating healthy and getting rest and socializing and building a team.

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Susanne W: You know, and self awareness. I think that self awareness is really really important. I always say that you know you need to take your emotional temperature. I think we can avoid shame by taking our emotional temperature, in other words, saying to ourselves, “What do I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually?” Am I upset right now? That mistake really threw me. I’m shaking. I’m in freeze

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Susanne W: fight or you know. Flee my nervous system, being aware of how we’re feeling, and I think then we can understand that if we’re in trouble cause if we’re not feeling.

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Susanne W: if we’re exhausted and

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Susanne W: hungry and depleted. If we’re in trouble that we understand, we deserve to reach out and get feedback from someone else.

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Susanne W: That’s the best way to avoid shame, you know. Be keeping everything inside in your own head. It’s like being in a very bad neighborhood alone, you know.

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Dennis Gill: You. I can.

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Susanne W: Right. You need

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Susanne W: talk so

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Susanne W: so caregivers need to set themselves up for success. They need to understand that

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Susanne W: they’re probably trying to do too much too fast, too perfectly, and that’s going to be hurtful.

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Susanne W: So they need to be in touch with what they’re feeling. When that mistake does happen. Do they feel it’s a learning experience, or is it devastating? And does it make me feel like I’m a bad person? And if it’s making me feel like a bad person. I need to raise my hand. I need to talk to somebody, and I need to figure that out for myself, so I can feel relief.

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Dennis Gill: Definitely definitely because until the time is till the time, the caregivers there themselves are not 100%, and they cannot provide 100% to the people they’re servicing for. Yeah.

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Susanne W: Yes.

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Dennis Gill: They need to be there.

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Susanne W: Yes, and we don’t want to feel miserable, you know. When I first started my caregiving journey with my parents I was miserable. I was exhausted and depleted and frightened. You know we’re always frightened. There’s a river I always hit as a river of fear that runs underneath our caregiving journey, because we don’t want those people we love or care for to be anything other than really healthy or get better. Sometimes there’s a fear that that’s never gonna happen. So

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Susanne W: when I first started, I was really really miserable. And I realized I had a change.

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Susanne W: I, my parents, weren’t going to change. The situation wasn’t going to change. I had to change

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Susanne W: right. So I had to start to really love myself

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Susanne W: and understand that if I was feeling bad about myself. I needed to do whatever it took

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Susanne W: to stop feeling that way.

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Dennis Gill: Rightly set rightly, said Susan. And obviously, I knew about the K give us earlier on also. But these things that we discussed today obviously change many things in my mind about the K. If it is how they feel and how they should feel, basically how they should feel. That’s the right thing that I would say

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Dennis Gill: so. Thank you. Thank you, Suzanne, for sharing these great insights. Today I’m sure the audience got to know an effective strategy to combat. Gay, shame, and to you, my wonderful audience, thanks for tuning in. I’ll do the next episode. This is Dennis Gail signing off

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Dennis Gill: Cal. Everybody.

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Dennis Gill: Thank you, Suzanne.

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Susanne W: Thank you.